July 2012 was a long time ago. Since then, Elle turned 6, then 7, then 8. Susie turned 2, then 3. Elle had a teacher that was a poor match, Mrs. Komoroske in 1st grade, and a teacher that was a perfect fit, Mrs. Croglio in 2nd grade. In October of 2013 I was hired full time at the BECPL Central Library. Early in the previous month I found out I was pregnant. I took the full-time job anyway. The pregnancy flew by and on June 6th 2014 Robin was born. He is a mellow baby, easier than the girls for now. I took 10 weeks off over the summer, extending my six week maternity leave using FMLA to stay with the kids . Now the summer is almost over and I have returned to work. I keep questioning whether I am doing the right thing by working full-time with three small children. Daycare alone is prohibitively expensive, it costs almost as much as I make every week.We get great benefits through work but the Librarian's Association, our local union, just renegotiated its contract with the county for the first time in 8 years. Of course some of the benefits were removed, ridiculous compensory days lost, free health-care gone...but we get raises. I don't know if it will balance out, I haven't actually looked at the new contract yet. Today was busy.Eleanor had soccer and piano back to back. Brian picked up the kids and I'm glad he did. There was a mess on the 190 south today and I had to get off before the entrance ramp downtown and take Seneca street all the way out to West Seneca, which now I k now not to do again since it took forever to get where I was going. Weird intersections and even weirder drivers slowed down traffic. It didn't feel worth it to go to work today. I spent most of the day checking my email. All of the fall planning for programs is pretty much done. All of the summer programs are done. This lull between seasons is why I chose to return to work this week instead of two weeks from now, which would have actually saved us money at daycare. But now that I'm back I feel like , "who cares about this crap?" I know that's not the rigth way to think about it and I need to remain positive but it is just so hard. The worst part is that I am not fulfilled at home just being with the kids, but then when I am at work I feel so guilty. Part of me wants to just quit and stay home with the kids until Robin goest to school, but then who is to say what kind of employment I will find then? Isn't it better to be responsible and suck it up and work at this job where I have some degree of flexibility and job security along with great benefits and a modest(ly small) income so that in 5 years I will be that much farther ahead in terms of salary and retirement benefits? I am also afraid to be dependent on just Brian's income. What if something happened to him or his job? All of this worrying is crazy and it makes me so tired.
Eleanor is getting really good at the piano, she is a quick study with it and can pick up new songs fairly easily. When she doesn't want to practice she will slump at the piano and pick notes with one or two fingers, attempting to play the song as fast as she can. It's a weird passive aggressive thing; I usually love hearing her play piano until she does this, and then I correct her and she whines and I accuse her of being tired or hungry to which she says that she is not, but that she just doestn't want to play right now.
It is better when she is not tired or hungry. She is 8 years old now, and still denies being tired and hungry like she did when she was 2. It is so funny.
Susie started a really rough patch this summer. This as the summer of horrible tantrums. They have gotten slightly better in the past few weeks, but even with mid-day naps and frequent snacks she will tantrum. I threaten to spank her bottom daily. She actually responds better to positive reinforcement. I have to focus on that and what I know works and stick to that no matter how hard it is. She loves being praised, I have to remember to discipline differently with Susie because the same old techniques are not working with her. She is so smart. The things she says are incredible.
Anyway that's it for now.

So today is July 8th, my parents left this morning with Eleanor. She is staying with them at their house and at Lake George for a week. Susie is still too young to join them. I'm thinking she won't be able to go until the year after next...this time next year Susie will most likely be potty training and that is a gross unreliable time. This time last week Allyson was still over our house. We did a lot last weekend, we went to mass on Sunday morning and then we went to Sam's Club and then after that we went to a birthday party. It was the birthday party for family friends of ours - their daughter is deaf. They have an older son too who is not deaf. Both kids are so sweet and they get along great with Eleanor and now Susanna. They were sending their older son down to stay with the husband's family for a week too down in NYC this week too - it's a wonderful trend. I hope that when she gets older my parents are still willing to take the kids for a few weeks.

Anyway here's what happened this week:
Elle stayed home with Allyson this past monday (instead of going to camp). They played, Elle painted and giraffe and Elle & Ally took co-painted a picture of a pirate ship which was very cute. Also Allyson had to work during the day so I took Susie to daycare. Elle had soccer practice and I took Allyosn to the airport around 6:00 pm. Susie cried the entire way to the airport and the entire way home. That child is persistant.
Tuesday both kids went to their respective child-care locations. Eleanor to camp and Susie to daycare. I worked at EAU that day at 11:30 but I barely made it on time because I had to type up my resume and coverletter for a full time position that recently opened.
On Wednesday it was the 4th of July. We had a party, a few people came over including our same family friends from the party last weekend. We had a good time - brian hooked speakers up outside in the garage so we could listen to some better quality music instead of listening to that clock radio stapled by its cord to the beam in the garage.
We didn't actually go anywhere to see fireworks but Brian hoisted the kids (the three older kids) up onto the roof of the shed and there they sat watching our pyromaniac neighbors set off dozens of fireworks. You'd think this would be a sad budget-show, but in fact, our neighbors lived up their crazy expectations (they'd already been setting off fireworks for weeks now...I'd expect this was out of curiosity/preparation/compulsion to blow things up) and the show was great! And all around us which was even cooler.
Then I shut the windows in the kids' room and put Susie to bed. Then Elle went to bed a little while later after her perfunctory "deep questions" routine.
Thursday I didn't have to work until 4pm and my parents came up around 1:30. They were so happy to see the kids and the kids just adore their grandparents. Elle had to go to soccer early because it was picture night and a pizza party after the game! Apparently they lost though, and Brian is getting increasingly frustrated with the team. I think this is just par for the course, whenever something lasts more than like 5 weeks at the library, people start taking it for grated and then attendance and quality of the experience goes down. I suspect this is what's happening with soccer, especially since it's summer.
Friday I had to work the whole day and then go to a wedding, so I didnt' see the kids at all. Mom said they had a good day thought. They went for ice cream with Aunt Terry at Anderson's.
Brian and I went to our friend's wedding, it was very nice. After I was the DD and went into the city to hang out with some of Brian's friends. We went down to the club strip which was ridiculous because I was probably an average of 7 years older than everyone else there. also, lycra is back in a big way. it doesn't look good on most people. Saw a lot of unfortunate tube dresses. and faux-hawks and mohawks. We went to a club with a smoke machine and a light-up disco dance floor haha...I'll leave it at that. then we played pool in a quiet bar that smelled like a toilet. I liked the toilet bar better of course.
On saturday we went to the birthday party rita had for her grandkids at her house. the kids had so much fun! they played with their cousins and swam in the pool. Elle played in the pool for hours! Even after Brian got out she stayed in there playing. She did so good too because when it was time to clean up she managed to swim down to the bottom of the pool (pool's only about 4 ft deep but still! it's hard to swim to the bottom) and get a rubber rocket off the bottom. I didn't think she could do it and i told brian' she'd never swam headfirst to the bottom before and he said "well if today's the first time she does it that's fine, she's going to do it", so we watched for 5 minutes while she tried over and over again and she finally did it! Susie did not like the pool and literally moaned the entire time she was in there - just loudly and tearlessly cried. So I took her out and changed her back into her clothes.
We all at pizza and cake. We saw Uncle Fran very briefly. He's looked extremely uncomfortable the entire time I saw him. We talked about driving and going to florida and what it was like in the city of Miami. That was the extend of our conversation.
The kids opened up their presents. We got them "Where the Side Walk Ends" by Shel Silverstein because it's so great.
Then Elle cleaned up the pool like I mentioned before and we left.
We came home, Susie went to bed (mom put her to bed while brian and I pickedup his car from where he left it the night before) and then I got home and braided Eleanor's hair. mom had dressed her in her dayclothes to go to sleep so that she could just roll out of bed in the morning and leave with my parents. This morning Elle woke me and Brian up, we kissed and hugged her, I came downstairs to send them off. i watched them until they rounded the block and then I went back to bed for two glorious hours. then susie woke up and I fed her breakfast, and now we arrive in the present. Where I am typing in this online journal about my children.
I tried peanut butter with susie today. She seems fine, but she didn't like it.
Eleanor was sweet at camp and has earned an honesty bead and a respect bead ( I think). One of the little girls in her group "the Adventurers" lost her bead and started to cry so Eleanor gave the little girl her own bead. : )

That's it for now.

"Nature is better than everything, nature is better than life. Because nature is life." So says Eleanor tonight as I put her to bed at 10:30. She will do and say anything to prolong her staying up. She actually asks some pretty profound questions around bedtime - many of which have crappy answers because I just want her to GO TO BED. Sipping my mojito...mm mojito. We went to a party at Sue's house today. I really miss Sue and Amanda and the whole gang from my old job. I feel so sad that things fell apart the way they did...if only management had been able to see the talent and dedication they had in those people, none of them would have left and who knows - I might still be working there too. I saw Ruth and Amy and Michelle and Kim - lots of girls that I really do miss. It saddens me to know that Susie won't have an early childhood in that environment. A place where everyone loves kids. At my old job everyone was creative, team-oriented and loved kids. They'd bend over backwards to help each other and we were all so close - it was like working with a bunch of really good friends. I'll never forget it.
My current job is a lot like that too - creative, team-oriented but it's less closely tied with my child's growth and so it is less sentimental for me than my old job. My old job was the village that helped me raise Eleanor (for 4 years anyway). I had no idea what I was doing in my life, or what the heck to do with a baby until I worked there. Such a special place in my heart forever.
Anywho - Susie had a great time tonight too - she played in a "Stage 2" inflatable bounce house for practically an hour with Eleanor. They both practiced falling out a lot.
Susie is a climber. She climbs everything. She climbs the stairs in our house and then screams when she gets too high.
Susie is pretty much talking without the words - she has the inflections of speech and she asks and answers in perfect rhythm haha...you just can't understand anything she says. it's just the sweetest thing. Also her hair is not curly like Elle's was at this age. Also, Eleanor is about to lose her tooth. She eats everything with the side of her mouth.
It's almost my & Brian's 2 year wedding anniversary and this fall we will have been together 8 years. Weird! I'll also be 28 this september. To think that the last time 8 years went by it started when I was 12! haha...of course, but still - there were huge changes between 12 and 20. Enormous life-changing events from 20 - 28...what happens after 28? More drastic life-changing events to come I'm sure.
Got a response to an email from a highschool friend today - was so very happy to get it. It's getting so incredibly hard to stay in touch. I need to be geographically close to a person to be close to them as a friend these days.
Elle went fishing today - she loved it. We need to go. At one point Ally caught a fish and she told Elle to put  her fingers in the fish's mouth to throw it back ( in the very front - the bottom lip in the middle where there are no teeth) it was a little rock bass (we were catching rock bass, perch and sunfish) and Eleanor was like "no! There's a worm in it's mouth!" haha...Ally was like - we hooked it...let it keep the worm Eleanor! Then Ally threw it back because Eleanor wouldn't touch it. Brian drank 7 beers at the party but seemed fine. I drove home. Laura told me Aunt Terry isn't doing well, her lung condition is deteriorating. She told me to call mom and tell her to tell Uncle Fran he needs to come visit his sister.
I hope my children love each other always and never forget family. We have to teach them this, I don't know how. This is why I'm glad to have Brian, it comes naturally to him. The religion too..ugh awkward questions from Eleanor in the car last night on the way to the drive-in to see Brave. Asking me if the stories in the Bible really happened (wtf?!) if Jesus was real, how do we KNOW the stories in the Bible really happened...etc. Since I don't believe in much of it this is a particularly sticky subject for me. I want the kids to have the choice to believe in the Catholic faith and God and Jesus, or to decide that it isn't true. So when they ask me these questions, I usually answer with something cryptic like "Catholics believe that Jesus was the son of God" As it was I told her that the Apostles of Jesus wrote the Gospels as they happened. I told her that stories like Noah's Arc were based on true events, but that they didn't happen exactly the way the Bible has them written. I hope that was the right answer. ...on a side note, I love the story of Noah's Arc, most of the Old Testament is a fascinating glimpse into ancient society. But there are over 4,000 (I think) religions in the world. Humans are hardwired for religion. Why? I need to do some reading. What does it do for us as a species? I don't want to read an angry atheist, I want to read someone who is kind to religion and understands its role and function in history I guess. Someone who thinks faith is ok, and doesn't mock it.

Elle started camp today. She loved it. After about 10 minutes of sitting in the car chatting with me she told me she cried by teh pool. When I asked her why she said she didn't pass the deep water test and then she maybe didn't pass the shallow end test and that she has to wear floaties which she called "a bubble" in the shallow end. Susie was good at daycare too - I still always get a weird vibe there and when I pick her up at 5:45 she's the only baby there by a long shot! what the heck. At the other daycare parents would literally sit in their cars in the parking lot with NO SHAME until 6pm when the center closed - then they'd storm in and grab their children at 6:00.
Elle had soccer practice tonight too. We had lop tonight for dinner - the beef and spice dish that is eaten out of lettuce leaves. It's pretty delicious, eleanor loves it too. I think she likes eating out of lettuce leaves. So after her soccer practice she came in to go to the bathroom while I was doing laundry downstairs. I could hear her talking to herself in the laundry chute haha it was funny. I know she does it but I think she opened up the door to the chute to do it.
Susie now does her pre-speech noises where she talks with the cadence of speech but the words coming out of her mouth are gibberish. It's so cute. She just talks away.
Elle's front tooth is going to fall out soon. Hopefully it will happen at home becaues I don't think she knows just how much blood there's going to be and a miniscule amount upsets her.
2 1/2 men is on so it's hard to concentrate on writing this tonight. I don't even care for this show it is too formulaic. Work was ok today. Thought about the kids a lot.

Eleanor's second official day off from school. We went to the central library to do some paperwork and then we found some books and movies to take home. Susie napped for 2.5 hours today which was great. I undercooked a chicken. Susie woke up - we went to the YMCA to drop off immunization info and then we did a driveby of Eleanor's summer camp which she'll be starting next week.
On the way we told each other jokes. This was the last one she told me:
"There were three people driving in a car, their names were Crap, Shutup and Mayor. Crap fell out the window so Mayor had to go after him. Then Shutup got pulled over by a police man and he asked him his name and he said 'shut up!' 'what's your name' 'shutup' 'what's your name' 'shutup' 'may I see your license' 'it went out the window after crap'" What?! She got in a little trouble for that one.
Then she asked me what the F word meant again. I told her she already knew (she asked me this like 2 days ago) and then I said "what does it mean" and she said the F word - the bad one and I agreed.
The other morning there was a grease stain on our driveway (hamburger grease). The were hundreds of ants feeding on the grease. I sent Eleanor out to the driveway early to wait for the bus. When I came out she immediately asked if ants went to heaven. I'm guessing she had just killed a bunch and was feeling either guilty or merely curious about the recently deceased ant souls.

Susie had fun at the library today. She kept taking toys and banging them on the glass separating the children's area from the rest of the library. I kept stopping her but as soon as I walked away she's watch me go and then grab a plastic corn cob and get right back to tapping.

That's about it for today. We read a bunch of books - it felt good to just relax and read and sit and play with the kids.

Elle watched Mars Needs Moms tonight - I didn't even watch it because I was on the phone with mom and cleaning, Brian came home halfway through and I think he probably watched more than I did - but wow what a sad sad movie. Based on Eleanor's description (and Brian's inevitable clarification) of a flashback scene in the movie I started crying and then Eleanor started crying all over again and it was ridiculous.
Anyway that's really it.

June 21 2012

Today was Eleanor's first official day off for the summer. I got up at 6:15 to run and wouldn't you know it that little schemer woke up at 6:30 saying "I couldn't sleep because it's the first day of summer" ...really? is that all it takes? Because I distinctly remember dragging this child out of bed every morning all year at 7:30 - 8:00 am. Maybe we need those special anti-SAD vitamin D lights in the house in the winter. I don't know anyway, I told Eleanor to read while I went out to run. She is so good, when I got home about 30 minutes later she was still reading and playing quietly in the guest bedroom next to her tent. Susie woke up at little while later. Susie sat on her bouncy horse for about 5 minutes. Eleanor sat on it for a combined total approx. 35 minutes today. I tried to find a weight limit on the box but I guess they purposefully left it off so as not to exclude any potential customers. they have an age range but I ignored it an sat on the horse anyway even though the max age is 6 and I'm 27, I will not be excluded!

Elle and I played - we made a race car ramp out of  cardboard, it was fun. Susie tried pasta salad and hated it so much she literally tried to scrape it off her tongue with her hand. Gross. After telling me yesterday that she only wanted "daddy" to read her Narnia she allowed me to read her a chapter out of the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe - "Turkish Delight" she had trouble remembering/understanding why the White Queen would be nice to Edmund to get something from him. She wanted information and the promise that he'd bring his siblings to her home. It's funny because later while I was driving the babysitter home she told me a similar story - she was watching Wallace & Gromit with Elle and Eleanor didnt' understand why one of the characters would be nice to the others simply to con them out of something. the babysitter said she tried to explain what a "con" was. haha. these themes of deception and manipulation seem to go over her head ...I guess this is a good thing for now.

susie played in her water bucket out back for while today - She's all over the place. She played peek-a-boo with me tonight when I got home from a horrible night at work. Sweet. Then she wouldn't go to sleep again. That wasn't sweet. that sucked. She needs to go to bed! And she's such a tactile face-rubbing baby - she's always rubbing her little face on soft things. Again, so sweet - Eleanor never really did that.

"Don't, don't, don't bite your friends!"
"That was close! Brobee almost ate dirty food!"

So today is Wednesday June 20th 2012. Today was the last day of school for Eleanor. She has had three half days in a row this past week - each day she has gone to the afterschool program for the entire afternoon. It's nice that her school offers that service. Eleanor keeps getting this gross rash on her face from prolonged exposure to the sun. She's such a northern child. She gets intense red rings under her eyes and on her cheeks the skin is raised, red and bumpy. It's gross. Susie is faring better at this point - she doesn't have the "puffy eyes" that Eleanor always got. Susie also doesn't get the red under the eyes when she's tired. Eleanor has my complexion but Brian's almond shaped eyes. I don't know who Susie will look like.
Tonight we went out to dinner with Miss Kim and then she came back to our house for awhile to hang out. Susie & Elle played. Then Suse & Elle took a bath together. Susie did a face plant into the side of the tub within about 5 minutes and then wanted to get out immediately. I took her out, gave her a bottle and put her right to bed. It was a wednesday miracle.
Then Elle & I hung out watching Yo Gabba Gabba and Laurie Berkner on YouTube - we had so much fun, I love that little kid. We watched "Don't Bite Your Friends" on Yo Gabba Gabba - I told Eleanor she should have watched this when she was 10 months old and she started biting.
Susie hasn't bitten yet. I think all 4 of her molars have come in. She is still boogery but I can live with that, it's par for the course.
I finally now understand what par for the course means.
Eleanor made a tie-dye t-shirt on tuesday in afterschool and she has been asking to wear it since she made it. Tomorrow is a soccer game and I have to work at EAU.
tomorrow is also the first day that Eleanor is home with me and Susie all day until I go to work and then on Friday I'm home with both kids. Should be interesting. I'll have to think of something fun to do.