"Nature is better than everything, nature is better than life. Because nature is life." So says Eleanor tonight as I put her to bed at 10:30. She will do and say anything to prolong her staying up. She actually asks some pretty profound questions around bedtime - many of which have crappy answers because I just want her to GO TO BED. Sipping my mojito...mm mojito. We went to a party at Sue's house today. I really miss Sue and Amanda and the whole gang from my old job. I feel so sad that things fell apart the way they did...if only management had been able to see the talent and dedication they had in those people, none of them would have left and who knows - I might still be working there too. I saw Ruth and Amy and Michelle and Kim - lots of girls that I really do miss. It saddens me to know that Susie won't have an early childhood in that environment. A place where everyone loves kids. At my old job everyone was creative, team-oriented and loved kids. They'd bend over backwards to help each other and we were all so close - it was like working with a bunch of really good friends. I'll never forget it.
My current job is a lot like that too - creative, team-oriented but it's less closely tied with my child's growth and so it is less sentimental for me than my old job. My old job was the village that helped me raise Eleanor (for 4 years anyway). I had no idea what I was doing in my life, or what the heck to do with a baby until I worked there. Such a special place in my heart forever.
Anywho - Susie had a great time tonight too - she played in a "Stage 2" inflatable bounce house for practically an hour with Eleanor. They both practiced falling out a lot.
Susie is a climber. She climbs everything. She climbs the stairs in our house and then screams when she gets too high.
Susie is pretty much talking without the words - she has the inflections of speech and she asks and answers in perfect rhythm haha...you just can't understand anything she says. it's just the sweetest thing. Also her hair is not curly like Elle's was at this age. Also, Eleanor is about to lose her tooth. She eats everything with the side of her mouth.
It's almost my & Brian's 2 year wedding anniversary and this fall we will have been together 8 years. Weird! I'll also be 28 this september. To think that the last time 8 years went by it started when I was 12! haha...of course, but still - there were huge changes between 12 and 20. Enormous life-changing events from 20 - 28...what happens after 28? More drastic life-changing events to come I'm sure.
Got a response to an email from a highschool friend today - was so very happy to get it. It's getting so incredibly hard to stay in touch. I need to be geographically close to a person to be close to them as a friend these days.
Elle went fishing today - she loved it. We need to go. At one point Ally caught a fish and she told Elle to put  her fingers in the fish's mouth to throw it back ( in the very front - the bottom lip in the middle where there are no teeth) it was a little rock bass (we were catching rock bass, perch and sunfish) and Eleanor was like "no! There's a worm in it's mouth!" haha...Ally was like - we hooked it...let it keep the worm Eleanor! Then Ally threw it back because Eleanor wouldn't touch it. Brian drank 7 beers at the party but seemed fine. I drove home. Laura told me Aunt Terry isn't doing well, her lung condition is deteriorating. She told me to call mom and tell her to tell Uncle Fran he needs to come visit his sister.
I hope my children love each other always and never forget family. We have to teach them this, I don't know how. This is why I'm glad to have Brian, it comes naturally to him. The religion too..ugh awkward questions from Eleanor in the car last night on the way to the drive-in to see Brave. Asking me if the stories in the Bible really happened (wtf?!) if Jesus was real, how do we KNOW the stories in the Bible really happened...etc. Since I don't believe in much of it this is a particularly sticky subject for me. I want the kids to have the choice to believe in the Catholic faith and God and Jesus, or to decide that it isn't true. So when they ask me these questions, I usually answer with something cryptic like "Catholics believe that Jesus was the son of God" As it was I told her that the Apostles of Jesus wrote the Gospels as they happened. I told her that stories like Noah's Arc were based on true events, but that they didn't happen exactly the way the Bible has them written. I hope that was the right answer. ...on a side note, I love the story of Noah's Arc, most of the Old Testament is a fascinating glimpse into ancient society. But there are over 4,000 (I think) religions in the world. Humans are hardwired for religion. Why? I need to do some reading. What does it do for us as a species? I don't want to read an angry atheist, I want to read someone who is kind to religion and understands its role and function in history I guess. Someone who thinks faith is ok, and doesn't mock it.

Elle started camp today. She loved it. After about 10 minutes of sitting in the car chatting with me she told me she cried by teh pool. When I asked her why she said she didn't pass the deep water test and then she maybe didn't pass the shallow end test and that she has to wear floaties which she called "a bubble" in the shallow end. Susie was good at daycare too - I still always get a weird vibe there and when I pick her up at 5:45 she's the only baby there by a long shot! what the heck. At the other daycare parents would literally sit in their cars in the parking lot with NO SHAME until 6pm when the center closed - then they'd storm in and grab their children at 6:00.
Elle had soccer practice tonight too. We had lop tonight for dinner - the beef and spice dish that is eaten out of lettuce leaves. It's pretty delicious, eleanor loves it too. I think she likes eating out of lettuce leaves. So after her soccer practice she came in to go to the bathroom while I was doing laundry downstairs. I could hear her talking to herself in the laundry chute haha it was funny. I know she does it but I think she opened up the door to the chute to do it.
Susie now does her pre-speech noises where she talks with the cadence of speech but the words coming out of her mouth are gibberish. It's so cute. She just talks away.
Elle's front tooth is going to fall out soon. Hopefully it will happen at home becaues I don't think she knows just how much blood there's going to be and a miniscule amount upsets her.
2 1/2 men is on so it's hard to concentrate on writing this tonight. I don't even care for this show it is too formulaic. Work was ok today. Thought about the kids a lot.

Eleanor's second official day off from school. We went to the central library to do some paperwork and then we found some books and movies to take home. Susie napped for 2.5 hours today which was great. I undercooked a chicken. Susie woke up - we went to the YMCA to drop off immunization info and then we did a driveby of Eleanor's summer camp which she'll be starting next week.
On the way we told each other jokes. This was the last one she told me:
"There were three people driving in a car, their names were Crap, Shutup and Mayor. Crap fell out the window so Mayor had to go after him. Then Shutup got pulled over by a police man and he asked him his name and he said 'shut up!' 'what's your name' 'shutup' 'what's your name' 'shutup' 'may I see your license' 'it went out the window after crap'" What?! She got in a little trouble for that one.
Then she asked me what the F word meant again. I told her she already knew (she asked me this like 2 days ago) and then I said "what does it mean" and she said the F word - the bad one and I agreed.
The other morning there was a grease stain on our driveway (hamburger grease). The were hundreds of ants feeding on the grease. I sent Eleanor out to the driveway early to wait for the bus. When I came out she immediately asked if ants went to heaven. I'm guessing she had just killed a bunch and was feeling either guilty or merely curious about the recently deceased ant souls.

Susie had fun at the library today. She kept taking toys and banging them on the glass separating the children's area from the rest of the library. I kept stopping her but as soon as I walked away she's watch me go and then grab a plastic corn cob and get right back to tapping.

That's about it for today. We read a bunch of books - it felt good to just relax and read and sit and play with the kids.

Elle watched Mars Needs Moms tonight - I didn't even watch it because I was on the phone with mom and cleaning, Brian came home halfway through and I think he probably watched more than I did - but wow what a sad sad movie. Based on Eleanor's description (and Brian's inevitable clarification) of a flashback scene in the movie I started crying and then Eleanor started crying all over again and it was ridiculous.
Anyway that's really it.

June 21 2012

Today was Eleanor's first official day off for the summer. I got up at 6:15 to run and wouldn't you know it that little schemer woke up at 6:30 saying "I couldn't sleep because it's the first day of summer" ...really? is that all it takes? Because I distinctly remember dragging this child out of bed every morning all year at 7:30 - 8:00 am. Maybe we need those special anti-SAD vitamin D lights in the house in the winter. I don't know anyway, I told Eleanor to read while I went out to run. She is so good, when I got home about 30 minutes later she was still reading and playing quietly in the guest bedroom next to her tent. Susie woke up at little while later. Susie sat on her bouncy horse for about 5 minutes. Eleanor sat on it for a combined total approx. 35 minutes today. I tried to find a weight limit on the box but I guess they purposefully left it off so as not to exclude any potential customers. they have an age range but I ignored it an sat on the horse anyway even though the max age is 6 and I'm 27, I will not be excluded!

Elle and I played - we made a race car ramp out of  cardboard, it was fun. Susie tried pasta salad and hated it so much she literally tried to scrape it off her tongue with her hand. Gross. After telling me yesterday that she only wanted "daddy" to read her Narnia she allowed me to read her a chapter out of the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe - "Turkish Delight" she had trouble remembering/understanding why the White Queen would be nice to Edmund to get something from him. She wanted information and the promise that he'd bring his siblings to her home. It's funny because later while I was driving the babysitter home she told me a similar story - she was watching Wallace & Gromit with Elle and Eleanor didnt' understand why one of the characters would be nice to the others simply to con them out of something. the babysitter said she tried to explain what a "con" was. haha. these themes of deception and manipulation seem to go over her head ...I guess this is a good thing for now.

susie played in her water bucket out back for while today - She's all over the place. She played peek-a-boo with me tonight when I got home from a horrible night at work. Sweet. Then she wouldn't go to sleep again. That wasn't sweet. that sucked. She needs to go to bed! And she's such a tactile face-rubbing baby - she's always rubbing her little face on soft things. Again, so sweet - Eleanor never really did that.

"Don't, don't, don't bite your friends!"
"That was close! Brobee almost ate dirty food!"

So today is Wednesday June 20th 2012. Today was the last day of school for Eleanor. She has had three half days in a row this past week - each day she has gone to the afterschool program for the entire afternoon. It's nice that her school offers that service. Eleanor keeps getting this gross rash on her face from prolonged exposure to the sun. She's such a northern child. She gets intense red rings under her eyes and on her cheeks the skin is raised, red and bumpy. It's gross. Susie is faring better at this point - she doesn't have the "puffy eyes" that Eleanor always got. Susie also doesn't get the red under the eyes when she's tired. Eleanor has my complexion but Brian's almond shaped eyes. I don't know who Susie will look like.
Tonight we went out to dinner with Miss Kim and then she came back to our house for awhile to hang out. Susie & Elle played. Then Suse & Elle took a bath together. Susie did a face plant into the side of the tub within about 5 minutes and then wanted to get out immediately. I took her out, gave her a bottle and put her right to bed. It was a wednesday miracle.
Then Elle & I hung out watching Yo Gabba Gabba and Laurie Berkner on YouTube - we had so much fun, I love that little kid. We watched "Don't Bite Your Friends" on Yo Gabba Gabba - I told Eleanor she should have watched this when she was 10 months old and she started biting.
Susie hasn't bitten yet. I think all 4 of her molars have come in. She is still boogery but I can live with that, it's par for the course.
I finally now understand what par for the course means.
Eleanor made a tie-dye t-shirt on tuesday in afterschool and she has been asking to wear it since she made it. Tomorrow is a soccer game and I have to work at EAU.
tomorrow is also the first day that Eleanor is home with me and Susie all day until I go to work and then on Friday I'm home with both kids. Should be interesting. I'll have to think of something fun to do.

So last weekend while Brian was deathly ill with the Hand Foot & Mouth virus he caught from Susie I took Eleanor to the art festival in the city. It is a combination of fine art & crafts and there was an unofficial offshoot a few streets off the main fairway so who knows what that was. I wanted to go check it out - it looked crowded and more thrown together (ie. better people watching) than the official art fair but Eleanor was fading fast and I didn't want to push her too hard. I'd like for her to have good memories of going to shows with me like I have good memories of going to shows with my mom. Most of my good memories have to do with the food I ate there though. Especially the strawberry smoothies...mmm. So we're walking down the street and we see a guy panhandling/street performing on the sidewalk and he's playing what looks like a turned-over steel drum and Eleanor is looking at him and I go "Is that what you want to be when you grow up? You want to play and instrument on the side of the road?" and she goes, "It doesn't sound like he knows how to play it." haha. It occurred to me after that my question was weird. I hope Eleanor forgets the weird/inappropriate stuff I say. Anyway, Eleanor is funny I hope she continues liking these art shows. I'll ply her with icecream and go for the positive association.
When we got home Brian reported that he was "feeling better" which didn't last long but it was better than him moping all day like he had been for the past 48 hours.
This past week was busy & uneventful in kid land. Susie is getting 4 molars, so it is an uncomfortable, irritable time for everyone. She has also discovered tantrums. The new sunrise time was 5:35 last week as well and we have no curtains on the windows in the kid's room so Susie has been up before 6am every morning which is ridiculous. I brought her into bed with us around 6am 2 mornings in a row last week and she slept horizontal like in a cartoon cliche of a kid sleeping in her parent's bed forcing both parents to move to the opposite edges of the bed. Just like that. I love waking up to see my angel baby's face but oh my goodness it's miserable sharing a bed with your child when you just want some freaking space. That rhymes...it's a poem.

Eleanor had practice for soccer on Monday, then she had her fake birthday party on Thursday and then she had Field day on Friday 6/15. This week there's three half-days and then she is officially done with kidnergarten - wow! Can't believe it! She's sad about it. Her friend Robby is moving to Philadelphia - although it didn't sound like this kid was very nice, sounded like he didn't like playing with girls which is pretty typical at that age but Eleanor had an issue with it because her best friend is another boy.

I keep getting weird vibes from Susie's daycare. She moved up to the infant room for slightly older infants - 9 - 18 months or something. The room she just left was weird and I was always super nice to the teachers but I always got the feeling that either they didn't want to be there at all or that they didn't like Susie. One day months ago when Susie was maybe 8 or 9 months old they told me "She had the best day she has ever had here yesterday!" ...I know stuff like that is suppose to make me happy but all I could think was "what about the other days she has had here? Do they suck? Do you lie to me because every time I ask you say she had a 'good day'" wtf. I don't like being on the other end of this daycare thing. I always try to be nice and understanding but I feel so suspicious of everything. Is this how the other parents were at FS when I took care of their kids. Did they secretly loath me and kindly and gently interrogate their children on the drive home about what Miss Kasey did during the day? Well the new room seems much nicer and brighter and the teachers actually look happy to see Susie so that's good I guess.

This past Saturday I had a big family-friendly event go on at work so I invited Brian & the kids to come. It went well. I love seeing the three of them out in public when I'm not around - Brian is so good with the kids. Today we just hung out - we went to church for Father's Day. I got up early with the kids and made a big card for Brian then when he got up we made him pancakes. Then we went to church. Then we came home, I went running and Susie slept for 3.5 hours! Beautifully long nap. After my run I promised I would run a block with Eleanor - so we did that. She's going to be fast.
Then I took the kids to the supermarket and then came home - we ate Souvlakis (spelling?) for dinner. Delicious. I've been reading Dead End in Norvelt by Jack Gantos - I love the way he writes. Years ago in Grad School I read the first Joey Pigza book and thought it was sad and funny. Love Jack Gantos - have to read more of his books. He lives in Boston.

This week is another busy week. Should be interesting. Have a class visit in the morning, need to get to work on time.

tuesday June 5th -
susie still has sores all over : ( I barely saw either of my kids today because I had to work till 8. sad. elle hopped out of bed when she saw me and I got to give her a big hug and ask her about her day  but then it was time for her to go to bed because it was 8:30 and she has so much trouble waking up in the mornings.
I'm suppose to be doing a little after-hours work tonight.

wednesday june 6th -
have work at noon. took suse to daycare and elle missed the bus because it came on time (usually comes late) and she didn't have her shoes on. I yelled, she cried, I apologized and told her I wasn't mad at her, i was suprised becasue the bus came so soon, which was true. Then I drove elle to school, came home, gave suse a bath drove suse to daycare and now I'm here writing in the kid journal so I can keep better track of my children's lives. susie has her 7th tooth now by the way. second incisor on bottom right side of her mouth.

Sunday June 3rd

susie had a fever today, I don't have a real thermometer for her - only the anal kind that has a special "no break" tip but I still decided not to take her temperature. The rash she began developing on Saturday night after her party spread to her hands and face. Gross. Since Susie was feverish and clearly infected with something, I left her at home with Brian while Elle & I went to CeCe & Ashlyn's birthday party. It was nice, we got there late as usual. My cousin Jessica has started her own catering company and I think in order to peak interest she made a grand display of desserts and entrees - very nice. Brian is a professional chef displaced from a professional kitchen. I think he is sad that he must sit in front of a computer every day instead of happily boozing and honing his chefy craft. Anyway it's nice that my cousin is doing so much - having 2 kids and a 40 hr a week job plus the catering on the side - it inspires me to do a little more to live up to other overachievers. There's someone on my facebook feed who posts all of the over-the-top home decorating schemes she comes up with and it makes me feel helpless. Like a loser who won't just saw the damn ceiling tile out of the downstairs bathroom ceiling because there's a big leak - whatever.
Eleanor had fun at the party - she was so excited to see Ashlyn but when we got there she got a little nervous and forgot her name. They did a pinata & musical chairs ( I realized that Eleanor probably has never played a real version of Musical Chairs) - Eleanor was the second kid to get out she lethargically floated toward the chairs...
Saw Dakota, Dylan Anne Laura & Rich Josh & Colby etc. very nice - aunt terry, rudy, diana and Tom
I meant to finish No Passengers but instead we watched the Game of Thrones finale - my obsession with the land of the 7 kingdoms is all consuming - it's better now but it was Susie's Great Series (ie. the series I read when I nursed her) Eleanor's Great Series was Dan Simmon's Hyperion series...also completely consumed my entire life at the time...well what was left of it after I mostly thought about Eleanor (mostly).


Monday June 4th

Ugh tried to go to work today knowing Susie had some infectious rash - horrible horrible mother. I made it as far as putting her bottles on the counter in the Infant room before eleanor loudly pointed out the enormous red bump on susie's hand "mom look at that bump on susie's hand it's HUGE!" (thank you eleanor) I tried to tell her to shut up with my eyes, but Alas, she is five and is immune to these subtleties. So Susie's teachers told me that hand foot and mouth was going around, I tried to play dumb but sympathetic and ended up taking her home after profusely apologizing. I dropped eleanor off at school - she was late again (because of the embarassing show at the daycare) she brought in gogurts and juice boxes for her concert on Friday.
took Susie to the doctor - she has impentago (spelling). When the nurse practitioner told me she had impentago I said "EWWW!" loudly and rudely. I took the day off from work which was upsetting. Susie had an ok day - I picked elle up from school she was eating cheese doodles on the ride home (snack from afterschool) When we got inside we read a few Nancy Elizabeth Wallace books about Monarch butterflies and Recycling (no, really, it was as interesting as it sounds) and then I heated up some leftovers for dinner. Susie at with us and smeared pasta sauce all over her impentago face (super gross) poor baby - I was so grossed out. Elle and I laughed for a long time over Susie's face because we were so grossed out. then Elle got ready for soccer. Bri was running late so I drove Elle to soccer and dropped her off when we got ont he car I moved an the empty container that had contained the cheese doodles and spilled orange crumbs everywhere - then I yelled and banned cheese doodles from the house, elle started crying because she thought I told her she could never have cheese doodles again. I had to apologize sort of and explain. I felt like mommy dearest - I have these moments several times a day when the things I do or say seem inappropriate. At dinner I clarified that we served beer at susie's party because there was less alcohol in it than liquor. Eleanor then explained that "liquor has the most alcohol, then wine then beer" and i said "yes, that's why we served beer and a little wine at Susie's party, not liquor - if you serve liquor it's a different kidn of party" and elle said "a party where you make bad choices" (oh god can't remember exactly what she said but it was something like that!) - Soccer it was a workshop type practice today so I felt kind of bad just leaving Eleanor but it was like 50 degrees this evening, susie was sick and I was cold. Soccer annoys me less than other sports. this is good I guess.

Brought suse home, stuck her in the tub, called mom - we chatted for a bit until susie tried to climb out of the tub by throwing one little fat leg over the side of the tub and whining - so I changed her into new jammies (afraid the old ones were covered in skin bacteria infection crap). then Elle got home - I put suse to bed, elle took a shower and whined about not getting dessert or a story - she was so tired I said no. Stand by my decision. I think she cried herself to sleep but I think she'll wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning.

I should call this blog the Bad Mom blog. or what not to tell your children. or how about "what not to share with other people about what goes on inside your sordid home"

Kid diary:

today was susie's first birthday

I got up at 5:30 to run - went to work at 8:30 came home by 12:30 then brian and I cooked penne vodka, chicken thighs, hamburgers, hotdogs, black eyed peas & coconut milk and green salad - mom and I decorated the house with spirals cut out of construction paper - then mom & dad and eleanor went to the dollar store and bought a happy birthday banner & balloons. We had a bunch of family & friends over it was great. The weather was horrible in the morning and then it cleared just in time for Suse's party. While brian was on his way to pick up carlos & crystal he saw a little boy get hit by a car on the intersection of Union & William.

Susie is teething so she was a little boogery. Eleanor played with mckenzie brooklyn isabella & victor - dylan and dakota were at the party too - anne drove all the way up from Georgia to go to Ashlyn & CeCe's party tomorrow - but she happened to arrive in time to come to Suse's party as well.

We all ate a lot - we had key lime & strawberry shortcake for dessert with vanilla and chocolate icecream.

I suppose I should ask Brian how he's doing - with the boy he saw get hit by a car. "mowed down" he said. I hope the little boy is ok. Brian said he looked like he was Eleanor's age.

My baby is 1, my kid is almost 6.

Running for sanity. Logging this so I'll remember what the kids did because Susie's first year passed in the blink of an eye. Will try to do this regularly. for real this time. Easier to stick with a task when it's not for myself.

Constant comparisons to elle's 1st birthday - at least a seagull didn't steal a smoldering hotdog off the grill today...and I wasn't afraid of my children contracting botulism like I was at the park at which we had Elle's 1st birthday.